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Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done that can incriminate him in Israel.
This is how it looks when not Frum people are at Kiddish. Not one of them is attacking the fish. No one is holding their spot, keeping others away from the herring. It seems as though they're making room for others. Bothersome. If they were Frum they would be much heavier, with hands on the sponge cake. (Photo: congregationshirami.org)
How the Q&A looks at every Jewish event. That guy is not asking a question. He knows it's time for the Q&A, which means it's time for him to give his speech... You can see the passion. He's definitely not asking. He's speaking to the guest speaker... The people around him are not happy to have to hear his speech too. (Photo: Jan Karski Educational Foundation- Polish Jewish Studies)
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The organization is going to get more money out of you. They do that with what they call the (you put in the name of the organization) dinner. Every nonprofit has it. It can be at the pizza joint, they'll have their yearly dinner. They take a piece of schnitzel they got for three dollars and upcharge you 30,000%. They know you wouldn't pay $800 for a piece of schnitzel if there wasn't a reason. They need to sell you on this.
To sell you at the dinner, they use people they call honorees. The honorees is how they get you to come. Here is how they will use them. Be ready. Save the Date The first sign somebody is going to be taking your money. They tell you to save the date. Stay away from anything that says ‘Save the Date.’ That means something expensive is coming up. If you get one of these, pretend you didn’t see it and plan a trip for the ‘Date.’ Save the date for something cheaper than the fundraiser. A family trip to the Netherlands is a good way to save money. The best advice I can give is to never look at your mail. You will save a lot of money on donations and bills that way. If you're lucky, you can also get out of a Bar Mitzvah. The fact that they have money to send you a letter that says they are not ready yet is a problem. Honorees They will prep you with the save the date. Then they bring on the guilt. There are people being honored. You can't go on a trip when people are being honored. You have to honor them. They're honorees. They haven't honored these friends in a while. The honorees are people that other people like, who have a lot of friends. Or, they're people that other people need to pretend they like, for potential work; you want to be closer to these people. The organizations use these people to get you to come out to the fundraiser. They don't trust that you like the shul enough. They thus honor the Friedbergs. Everybody knows the Friedbergs. What are the Friedbergs honored for? Knowing people. That's what they've given to the shul. They've never volunteered or helped with a Shiva Minyin, but they know people. How to Not Get Pulled In Over the years, I've made it a point to have friends that nobody likes. I was going broke on friends who were affable. I noticed a disturbing pattern; the shul was honoring these people. These friendly people offering to pay for dinner, when you go out together, is just a guise before the big blow of the $2,000 you will be putting out for their honorees dinner. If you can find unlovable friends who are also poor, you have struck gold. If you see somebody sticking their hands in the herring and taking all the meat out of the choolante pot, for themselves, befriend them. How They Pick the Honorees You will know it is a fundraiser when the Fridberg family gets honored for being great community members. When people get honored for accomplishing nothing, that is a clear sign it's a fundraiser. If there is more than one couple on the bill, that is another clear sign it's a fundraiser and that the person who deserves to get honored, and is second on the poster, is not popular enough. Nobody cares that you brought the children out of Sudan if people aren't hanging with you at Kiddish, but it would look decent to honor you. Do you have friends? That is what we care about. For this reason, you should also avoid friends who have solved any worldwide crisis, such as starvation or disease. Your friends should be unhelpful and unfriendly people. Speakers You have to give money for these people that are also going to interrupt your dinner. Anything to take your focus off the fact that you've just put out $800 on a piece of schnitzel. Theses are other honorees. You don't know them. Why they tell you about these honorees, I have no idea. Yet, you're forking over another $500 for them to be there. They have to pay these people to talk over you and interrupt your conversation. The Committee Watch out for these people. These are the people that tell you about the dinner. They tell you about your friends and the speakers. They write the letters. They tell you to 'save the date.' They call you when you tried to not respond. You had to tell them you must've not gotten the letter. They know you are lying. If you don't go, you'll be offending them. Once people join a committee, they become very crafty. Your friends are on the committee, and they're going to tell you about that friend that is being honored. The Issue Is Friends If you've learned something today, it's to not have friends. Being part of a community, it's best if you don't know anybody. Then you don't have to feel bad not showing up. You can save a lot of money that way. It costs too much money to not offend people. If you plan the trip, try your hardest to forge a ticket that shows you purchased it before the committee sent out the 'save the date.' The committee will ask for that. And never join the committee. They put you on that committee to make sure you're going to be there. You get no discounts on schnitzel. And make sure to support your congregation, pay your dues and dedicate to your community in honor of your ancestors. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The rabbi gave a sermon earlier this year about a deluge and I was confused. My whole life, I learned about the flood, the ‘mabool,’ and the rabbi was going off on some kind of water park ride sounding thing.
People later told me that the deluge was the flood, and I asked why the rabbi didn't just say 'the flood.' Once again, I was feeling like a fool, because my English comprehension was not good enough to understand another rabbi. My British friend was applauding the brilliant use of the language. I was stuck. Why do they translate the Hebrew into English that is harder to understand than the Hebrew itself! This language of Pentateuch, imprecations, deluge, legumes, firmament, countenance, invoke, Ecclesiastes, sexton, phylacteries, benedictions... Here are some of my memories of times I didn’t understand and hardships with the English of American rabbis. I bring them to you, because I don't want you to think you're the only one who was poorly educated. A Childhood of Not Understanding It was around the time of my Bar Mitzvah when the rabbi sprung a word on me I had never heard before. He said, ‘The synagogue is going to need you for a quorum.’ No idea what quorum means. I thought I was being punished. What did I do to deserve for a group of ten men to give me a quorum? I didn’t want anything to do with it. I protested, and then he pulled out what he called ‘phylacteries.’ I was confused. Growing up, I never knew what phylacteries were. I had an idea of what Tefillin were. It was at that point that I requested from my rabbi, ‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’ My rabbi got mad at me, and said, ‘Throw a Yarmulke on your head.’ All I had was a Kippah. So I put that on my head, and all was good. Sermon I Still Don’t Understand from the Same Rabbi The rabbi began with his ‘Exegesis from Leviticus from the Pentateuch.’ I didn’t even understand the title of that speech. I was waiting for a sermon from the book of Vayikra, from the Torah. After his speech, I said ‘Yasher Koyach,’ to congratulate him on his understanding of the English language. I didn’t wish him ‘felicitations,’ as I wanted him to understand what I was saying. I congratulated him in the simple Hebrew Jewish way. I didn’t want him to be confused. I was already confused enough from his speech. Another Sermon I Still Don't Understand It was on Sukkot that we started reading King Solomon’s Kohelet, and I was beginning to feel a strong connection to Gd, when the rabbi started talking about Ecclesiastes. He lost me. Kohelet is a beautiful book. He should have talked about that. I am not Greek and I have always made it a point to stay away from what he called the Septuagint. To make matters worse, the rabbi decided to throw in this new idea of calling Sukkot, the Holiday of Tabernacles. Again, I didn’t understand a word of his sermon, as I am American and his speech was in English. I am not the wisest of all men. I am not King Solomon. All I know is that if I was a botanist, I would have understood his Passover sermon about legumes. I Was Lost in The Service Until the added Musaf service of Shabbat, all was fine at shul. The issue began when they started with this prayer in English, for the United States. ‘He Who grants salvation and dominion to rulers…’ Salvation means redemption or liberation. If somebody would have told me that, I would have said ‘Amen.’ Instead, it turned into my silent protest against the country. Some people accused me of siding with the football players. Then, somebody they called the ‘beadle’ came over to me to ask me to open the ark. If the Gabai had come over to me, I would’ve definitely ran to open the ark. All I know is that penitent means to look serious. I was able to do that throughout the service. I was confused the whole time. My Message to American Rabbis that I Respect If you insist on giving Sermons in English, then use English words. Let’s move away from the language used in the 1930s and talk in an English the congregants can identify. A simple English. Not a pre-Shakespearian English that my English Lit professor can’t recognize. I understand it is fun for you to create words like firmament, but maybe keep the Hebrew in Hebrew. Stop using words you created, like legumes, beadle, sexton firmament, countenance, quorum, tabernacle. Use words like beans and peas, shul helper, heaven, face, Minyin, Sukkis. Something that I can recognize. Vocabulary your congregants identify. Maybe you are trying to add in a Hebrew flavor to your speech, using words congregants can’t grasp; thus, adding to the feeling of the Hebrew prayers that they are reading in transliteration. Maybe those are English words. Maybe you didn’t create them. I am sorry. It was my English education. If I would’ve read more as a kid, I would’ve understood more of what the rabbis are saying in their exegeses. Maybe if I grew up in Britain, maybe if I grew up in the 1500s, I would comprehend. I want to thank all of the rabbis who’ve taught me how to wrap my phylacteries, put on my tassels, place my yarmulke. You have been the inspiration. Because of your exegeses and pedagogy, I have the ability to pass on imprecations. I now see the firmament, and invoke every day for rain in Israel, but no deluge. Sorry for this rant. I didn’t mean to take it out on the sexton. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You can see how not Frum some of these people are by their lack of Kiddish navigation understanding. There is too much room at that table. Not one of them is attacking the fish. Not one of them is holding their spot at the table. With that much room, it's impossible to keep the others away from the herring. (Photo: congregationshirami.org)
The post service communal snack time on Shabbat can be very hard for the shul beginner. Known as Kiddush, or Kiddish, this is the time to eat. Services have ended, we’ve already connected as a community with our Creator, it is now time to do whatever you can to get to the potato kugel first.
There’s only so much potato kugel, choolante and gefilte. You have only so much time to make your way to the herring. And you never know if somebody else likes kichel. You only have a moment before the rabbi makes the Kiddish blessing and Bernie snags the meat out of the choolante pot. Following is what I have learned about Kiddush etiquette over my lifetime of trying to make my way to the choolante, past Bernie: Stand in One Spot Once you are in the Kiddush room, do not move. If you move, other people will be able to get to the choolante too. Once you've scooped, you stay right there. You don't want to open others up to scooping access. The idea is to make it harder for other people to get to the stuff. If you're standing away from the table, in the middle of the room, and somebody is trying to pass, don’t move. Stand in the doorway if you have to. If you move, it will make it easier for them to get to where they want to go, and that might be potato kugel. Or even worse, the kishka. Once the choolante meat is gone, it is a fight for the choolante kishka. Hold Your Spot This is not easy. Fran may be eighty years old, but she still has some reserves left in her for egg salad, matzah and kichel. To fend off bullies, like Fran, get down into a strong three-point lineman stance. This gives you the most power when pushing off the ground, allowing you to hold your spot and lunge at the choolante pot when the opportunity arises for an offensive. Pick Your Spot Before Kiddush is Made & Keep It It's general policy that you’re not supposed to take food before the Kiddush blessing is said. If you’re willing to get reprimanded by the sisterhood, then take beforehand. If you are meek, like myself, and cower to authority, then pick a good spot. You want to pick a spot within arm’s reach of your goal. Not everybody can squeeze a spot right in front of the babka. As long as you’re willing to reach… Reach Past People’s Heads & Torsos The body does not dictate whether you’re next in line. I’ve seen many arms running right by my face. I’ve looked around and not once have I found a person. I recall one time, I was right in front of the pot, and couldn’t get to it. The arms were coming from all sides. It felt like a Kiddush horror film. The congregants were just hungry. They'll turn on you when kishka and potato kugel show up. Remember, manners are the first thing to go when there isn't enough meat in the choolante. Do Not Be Ashamed to Scoop All of the Meat Out of The Choolante Everybody notices when Bernie does this, but Bernie is happy. I’ve seen meat choolante pots filled to the brim, with no meat. Kiddush-goers have a sick sense for sniffing out meat in a pot. Over the years, I’ve learned to locate meat in the middle of potatoes, beans, barley, onions, even squash. Sometimes you think it’s a vegetarian choolante and right in the middle of a legume you pick out a little piece of rib still on the bone, making your Kiddush a success. Bringing joy to Shabbis. If you Have a Spot, Don’t Offer to Serve Others I tried this once. Next thing I knew, everybody had choolante. Helping leaves you with less. Carry the Choolante Ladle with You If you must move, such as in the case of your child crying and having a crisis, like they cannot find the frosting on their cake, be sure to take the serving utensil with you. This is the only way to ensure that you will be able to get back to your spot. There are some who will scoop with their hands while you’re gone. You have to respect that. Do Not Worry About How Your Plate Looks Pile it high. Double up. Fill three plates if you have to. You never know if you will be able to make it back to the table. Do Not Wait In Line There is no line. Those are just people who are not moving away from the babka. If there is no motion that is not a line, unless if you're at JFK International Airport security check. If You Do Not Have A Decent Spot Use Your Elbows Don’t worry about knocking over Fran. If Fran is in the way of you and your potato kugel, she’s standing in a dangerous spot. She should know that. She shouldn't assume that just because it's not choolante, that she won't get hurt. Using your elbows at all times is suggested. To quote Avi, 'Keep them out.' Elbows should be out at all times. Entering the Kiddish doorway, shaking hands, eating. Whatever you are doing the elbows should be out. When you're eating, keep em up. There's a good chance you can catch a chin of one of the shorter congregants. Your elbows create more body, keeping more people away from the food you want. Along with the barrier they create, they can be used to hurt people who think they are also deserving of herring. COVID may be done, still use your elbows to greet people at Kiddish. Walk in with no mask and let them know that you can care less about the germs on your Kishka, as long as it is yours. Kiddush is a communal experience, so it will not be easy to get to the food. I bless you with strength, to not worry about other people getting food. Gd provides for all, but there’s only so much herring. Claim your spot at the table and use whatever strength you can muster to push Fran and Bernie out of the way. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Jewish Superheroes Among Us11/2/2021
Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology.
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it. If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English. Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante. Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin. Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things. Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite. Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak. Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul. Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’ Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other. Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher. Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk. Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money. Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man. Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish. Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil. New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate. Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers. Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources. Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man. Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him. Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence. Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread. Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling. Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas. Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat. Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse. Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing. Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him. Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People. Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we... I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat. Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism. May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Candy is the backbone of the Jewish child’s experience. Without it, the tradition will not be passed down from generation to generation. A bold statement, but no child is doing anything Jewish without sweets.
Chinuch, Jewish education is only as good as the candies you have. Classes will only be effective if they end with lollipops, or better yet, the stick into the sugar candy. Nothing is better than dunking a stick made out of candy, into more candy. And that leads to Torah. I would go back to elementary school if the teachers were giving out candy to stick in candy. I would learn Torah all day for that. You can’t have good Jews without candy. This is the hypothesis. It hasn’t been proven. However, the amount of chubby good Jewish adults leads itself to the conclusion that good Jews eat candy. Health is not a Jewish ritual. Throwing candies and then eating them is. Let us explore the sigfinicance of candy in childhood. Honey on First Letter of The Torah When a child first learns Torah, we put honey on the first letter, a ‘Bet,’ so that the child will see the Torah as sweet. That's tradition. The child licks that first letter and they love it. This isn’t always the greatest idea. Sometimes kids end up thinking the proper way to read is by licking. My nephew licked the letter and was walking around with a piece of the parchment stuck to his tongue for a couple of days. This may be why many Torah scrolls get messed up. Honey is sticky, and it can get into the parchment. But we do that for the kids, because Jewish education comes first. This tradition was developed before Paskesz mastered the sour stick. Otherwise, we would be putting rainbow sour sticks on the first letter of the Torah. Oodles would get all over the floor. You don’t put broccoli on the first letter of the Torah. You want the child to love the Torah? No child is learning Torah because of vitamin B9. You try to get your children eating healthy at home, and you wonder why they love eating at their friend's house. You can’t entice children with salad. If these millennial parents were educating children, no kid would ever want to learn Torah. Only way To get Kids to do Stuff at School As a kid, one day I showed up to class and the rabbi said, ‘No gum in this class.’ I asked, ‘Why am I even here? If there is no candy, what is the point? Give me an F.' I got an F in that class and I wasn't allowed to leave. My parents didn't take my side of the argument. I stopped going to gym class too. The gym teacher never gave us candy. First he makes us run laps, and then we play dodgeball, for what? Why even go to school? You won’t get kids into shape if you don't draw their interest. And the only way to do that is with candy. Have the kids run laps for gummies. That's how you make a healthy child. Kids go to Shul for Candy Go to shul to pray? No. Kids go for the sweets. Ever been in shul for a Bar Mitzvah? Hundreds of children crawling on the floor by the Bimah, diving for candy. Nobody knows where they come from. How do they end up in shul? Candy. Word gets out. Random children come in from the park. Kids that aren’t even Jewish; they find slacks and jump into shul. After the candies are all picked up from the whipping the Bar Mitzvah boy with the Sunkist fruit gem ceremony, not one child can be found. They disappear. No point in being in shul when the candy is gone. Why do people convert to Judaism? They went to a friend’s Bar Mitzvah when they were young and they remember diving for a Sunkist fruit gem. We all only go to Bar Mitzvahs for the candies. Even if you don’t eat them, you want to whip them at the thirteen year old for reading so slowly and stealing an extra hour of your Shabbat afternoon nap. Side note: You should be throwing the candies at his parents that are telling him to enunciate every word. I praise those little Jewish kids who dive for the candies. They're committed to the Jewish tradition, even with their parents telling them not to ruin their slacks. They are committed to Jewish tradition because of the Sunkist fruit gem. The Candyman There is even a position for this guy at shul. This guy is more important than the Gabai. I don’t even think kids notice that there is a rabbi or a Chazan. The only legitimate position I ever noticed at shul was the candyman. All rituals I enjoyed growing up were because of candy. I loved shul because of candy. I didn't like the older men in shul, but they had candy, so I loved them. You put 'candy' before 'man' and that is someone who is loved, and educating the children. Someone you can connect with. Example of education: 'What are the names of our forefathers Mr. Bergerman?' 'Here is a candy.' That is fine Jewish education. The candyman is the only reason why any child enters shul on a regular day. That's why the feminist movement is against Mechitzahs; they have no access to the candyman. The kids even smile for the man. Kids go into synagogue and smile for that man, until they lose their teeth. They smile at nobody else. Why? Because the Candyman is the only one with Laffy Taffys. Jewish Rituals Are there any Jewish rituals that don’t involve candy? No. Tisha BAv, the Nine Days, kids still eat candy. As can be seen, all Jewish education and practiced ritual is contingent on how much candy is involved. To quote my rabbi, 'Every learned Jew has snorted Paskesz plastic fruit sugar.' To this day, I am shocked that schools don't focus more on sweets for their lunch program. It should be proteins, greens and fruit gems. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album III9/30/2021
Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past couple months, including the holidays. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.
We love the Kosher Chinese place... The chow-mein noodles were free. Deal!!!! We paid for the sweet and sour chicken. Should've just taken the noodles... We also love 7-Eleven, due to crushed ice in our drinks. Even if it’s watered down and it doesn’t taste like Coke, it’s crushed ice... The crush ice is free too, if you bring your own cup.
My makolet (bodega) turned into a Doar post office. We thought the message from the Doar was telling me that us that we got some Graeter's ice cream shipped to Israel that we had to pick up... His freezer was full of packages and he has stopped selling frozen chicken... B"H, he didn't charge us his unmarked prices, that he usually creates when we go in there, on the mail.
Proof. Max Stock is a Jewish store... The holidays are coming. That means, tins. They know that you don't cook for 80 people with pots and no leftovers... I bought 35 tins because I can care less about the environment when I'm celebrating. I also picked up the Costco plasticware bundle. I'm not cleaning anything... There was no more tinfoil at Max Stock. I bought it all. I’m religious and I celebrate the holidays. I’m ready for Sukkot. I bought them out of tinfoil.
That guy is not happy. It's 6am and this guy decides to blow the shofar right in his face. No warning. Just blowing the shofar, doing his duty to wake up the Jewish people. Doesn't even ask the other guy if the kids kept him all night. Just blows the shofar right in his face... No Minyin... And that guy is not loving the tradition of people randomly blowing shofars. For some reason, that guy blowing next to him, before 7am, is not making him feel a closeness to his Creator. (Photo: Menahem Kahana, AFP Getty Images, in International Business News)
No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung... Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. That's when we are allowed to use them... We picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. Our eighth Sukkot in Israel and we started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us... If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish.
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The Wise Men of Chelm have been absent from Jewish literature for many years. Why? Because nobody has been reporting what has been going on in Chelm. The newspaper went out of business when the decision was made that people reading interferes with social interaction. This ban, put out by the sisterhood, led to many members being accused of elitism as they continued playing Sudoku, and that is arguably a book.
The decision in shul was made that people are not allowed to use Siddurs (prayer books) anymore, as people looking inside interferes with conversation during services. And that is rude. Generations have passed and the tradition of Chelm remains, with newer, wiser men and women, who have all joined the board of Chelm. I am here to report to you some of the stories that I came across, despite the lack of news coverage. This is how the Wise Men of Chelm killed the Shabbat services last year, thanks to the decisions of the board. I am not saying they’re unwise. I am just saying that I hope they changed things around since then. Here are the decisions that led to the Joint Distribution Committee (JDC) having to come in to help the community get back on its feet. A New Door A gust of wind hit the shul’s door and it was thrown off its hinges. The community did not know what to do, so for safety, they boarded up the entrance, until a decision could be made. That Shabbat, there was no Minyan, as nobody could figure out how to open the boarded up entrance with the shul key. The maintenance staff said they could fix the door, but the wise men and women of Chelm knew they weren't wise enough for such a job. The idea to fix the door was brought up to the board. “We should purchase new hinges for the door,” said Yankel. “Oy,” Moishele objected, “He knows nothing. We have to fix a door. And this fool brings up hinges?!” The board was in a panic and had no idea what to do. At that moment, Berel the Gabai raised a fresh idea. “We will buy new doors,” he exclaimed. And all were in awe. “This is why we have a Gabai,” Fayge shouted with joy. As the group went shopping, they saw many wooden ornate doors of elegance, but every one of them needed to be attached with hinges. Bayla knew these doors could not work. She continued, “We are a shul. We need building doors. Not hinges.” Shaindel agreed, "We already decided against hinges." A beautiful set of glass doors glistened in the corner of the shop. They were all amazed and drawn to their shine. Rabbi Fishel told the board how great these would look at the entrance to the shul. They all jumped for joy, and reprimanded Yankel, who so foolishly suggested to purchase any hinges. Moishele expressed his delight, “The glass is so beautiful. You can’t even see them.” So, they bought the electric sliding doors. The next day was Shabbat and the whole community was standing outside. Countless people were gathered outside. One asked the next, “Why is nobody going into shul?” A thought arose in Duvidel’s mind, “We can’t use these doors on Shabbat. That is why no one is going into shul. They’re run electronically. We are not allowed to use electricity on Shabbat.” Berel, the Gabai, was there to help explain, “These are weekday doors. These are not Shabbat doors. We will come back tomorrow and use them when Shabbat is over.” Chutzpadik Duvidel asked, “Then why don’t we return these doors, so that we can pray in the shul on Shabbat?” “Oy!. You foolish man,” Berel replied, “Then what doors will we use during the week?!” And the decision was made again, to not go to shul on Shabbat. Other Decisions It was also decided to get iPad prayer books for each seat at shul for Shabbat. That was Shlomo’s idea. As he suggested, “We should get all electric Shabbat items for the shul, as we don’t have to worry about them being used on Shabbat.” All loved the iPad Siddur idea. Moishele's suggestion that the internet was still social, due to the words 'social media,' was the perfect work around for allowing prayer books back at shul. The advice of the JDC was to disband the board. Nobody on the board listened to that advice. It came from people who are not wise. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Shpiels Cartoon: Essential Items in Shul Today... Guy Wondering Why He Doesn't Need a Kippah4/21/2021 The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How my car made it to Carmiel that day. A beautiful Tiyul.
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